Divorce: A Path to Personal Happiness?

O you who believe! When you marry the believing women, then divorce them before you touch them, you have in their case no term which you should reckon; so make some provision for them and send them forth a goodly sending forth. [33:49]

Allah indeed knows the plea of her (Khula hint Thalaba) who pleads with you (Muhammad) about her husband (Aws bin Thamit) and complains to Allah, and Allah knows the contentions of both of you; surely Allah is Hearing, Seeing. [58:1]

Bismillah Hir Rahman Ir Raheem

This word has reverberated in my life for the past few years. What was considered a taboo that occurred on occasion became a frequent occurrence within my family and friends’ families. Many celebrities with ‘ideal love lives’ covered the headlines with articles about their divorces with messy financial settlements. How did divorce become so frequent? When did the term “Marriage is a gamble” become more than an expression?

In the generation of our grandparents and before them, marriage in Pakistani culture was treated like a Catholic marriage; divorce was unacceptable. Hence, no matter the intellectual, cultural, or emotional differences, whether there was verbal or physical abuse involved, couples married “till death do us part”. However, something changed along the way.

With every following generation, we learnt what our rights and duties were as spouses in a marriage, how important compatibility and self-respect meant, what we are expected to adjust to, and where we should take a stand for our place in the household. Yet, even with this self-realization, marriage rates still roll down a slippery hill.

I’m not just talking about divorces following physical abuse, although those have happened a lot, most commonly due to the husband’s sense of entitlement and ‘right’ to hit his wife when he doesn’t get his way. I’m talking about divorces where there is no overt abuse; there is simply either a loss of compatibility, tolerance, and empathy to make way to understand and accommodate your partner’s needs when they differ from yours, because it challenges your sense of self, or to state it bluntly, your ego.

I would like to clarify that I’m neither married nor divorced, but I have experienced the lasting impact of the beginning and ending of marriages within my family to the extent that the topic of marriage doesn’t always bring excitement to me, but fear instead. I’ve witnessed both love and arranged marriages crumble before my eyes, and while I haven’t directly experienced hopes and expectations crashing down like they did, divorces affect families as well. The realization that those months of preparation, dresses, mehndis, finances, etc., feel meaningless when the true purpose of the wedding fails.

When I think about getting married, it will solely be because that man will be completely worth it, yet I’d just want a simple Nikkah, and only after spending at least a year with him would I consider celebrating the marriage, because I would actually enjoy it from experience instead of being afraid. Yes, you may judge my eccentric perspective as many others have, but like I said, divorce affects the families as well.

What I’ve noticed is that people have lost tolerance to listen and accept each other’s points of view; there is more than one way to do something, and maybe, just maybe, your partner could be right. People have forgotten to do something for their partner out of love just to make them happy. You can be completely justified in what you’re doing, but you can either focus on standing up for yourself and your needs, or you can calm your ego and listen to your partner. Love doesn’t impose; it provides and comforts and supports, and sometimes it doesn’t come naturally. Sometimes you have to bring it out in your obligations when you don’t feel like expressing it; from something as simple as saying Hello lovingly every morning to saying Good night every night. Come to think about it, when did love become so conditional……?

While this can occur in two ways, divorces can occur when the effort put into preserving a marriage is one-sided. Marriage is a lifelong contract, but when only one person is putting in 80% of the time and effort into this sacred bond. At the same time, the other remains reserved, emotionless, and irresponsible; the marriage is doomed to fail until that partner recognizes their duties. With time, it only becomes suffocating to put in all the hard work without receiving any appreciation or affection. This is supposed to be a partnership; both of them should put in 80% into the relationship Allah made sacred for them. Only then do they find peace within it.

There was an incident in India; a father welcomed his recently separated daughter home with festivities equivalent to a Barat. Odd, isn’t it? How does one celebrate such a traumatic experience? Yet it makes complete sense! Yes, when you plan for two people to join together in marriage, you don’t expect dissolution and so soon, especially for your loved ones. However, a marriage only ends when the couple isn’t happy, when, despite trying everything or by lack of trying, the life they envisioned together turns out to be as torturous as suffering in prison; in place or mind. Islam has allowed for divorce for this reason: to provide a path to part ways peacefully when the marriage doesn’t work. Therefore, the father celebrated the daughter breaking away from a toxic lifelong commitment and choosing her own happiness. In my family, we simply told those who were deciding between commitment and divorce that whatever they decided, we’d support and protect them.

Similarly, while divorce is not socially welcomed, I came to know through my maid that in the lower working class, i.e., Labourers, housemaids, etc., people have been married multiple times after getting divorced or widowed, and it is not looked down upon. Soon after a woman is divorced or widowed, the community comes together to help her get married again, and these include women who work for a living. It goes to show that there is support even in the lower socio-economic class.

Islam allowed Hazrat Zainab and Hazrat Zaid to be divorced too because, although they both were good, loyal believers, there wasn’t compatibility between them. Hence, Allah gave them a way out for their happiness,

“So when Zayd had no longer any need for her, We married her to you in order that there not be upon the believers any discomfort…..” (33:37)

To sum it up, divorce is unfortunate and a tragedy. Healing from it takes a lot of time, and you are faced with questions and judgments about what happened and who was at fault. But we plan to the best of our knowledge, and it can still occur. However, it’s important to know where you should remember to put in the 80% in the relationship, and where you should recognize and not take up abuse. This life is short, and you should not be bound by societal expectations; this is the one relationship created by Allah just for you so that you may have peace, but also bring peace to one another.

What is your take on divorce? Do let me know in the comments below.

Allah Hafiz.

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This post was originally posted here.